Provocative Grief

By Jami Hanna

FOR JUDSON, WHO LEFT TOO SOON.

Judson Hanna

August 23,1982 - May 29, 2021

How a Podcast, a Jungle in Bali, and an Angel Named Alex Changed the Trajectory of my Grief Journey

I am Jami. I have two children, one who walks, and one who soars. On May 29th, 2021, my precious son, Judson, died by suicide. The shock, trauma and aftermath took me to a place so low I do not have words to describe it. I would never have believed that one year later, to the day, I would be in the presence of an Angel named Alex, surrounded by three other soul-sisters, Diana, Irma and Kayla, joined together by a yoga retreat. This is the story of how I got there.

COPING

So how did I cope with the loss of my son? Alcohol, of course! It has been my go-to my entire life. You see, healthy coping was never modeled for me in my childhood. What WAS modeled for me was that alcohol was the magic potion - for every situation. Sad-have a beer. Happy? Pour a glass of wine. Celebrating? Pop a cork of champagne. And it was not just my household. It is everywhere. As Holly Whitaker so eloquently writes, we live in, “...a culture obsessed with alcohol.” Unfortunately, she is right. Add grief, or stress of any kind, and it compounds the “obsession.” So when Judson died, I did what I learned from my parents and what I had always done in a stressful situation: I drank.

Surrounded by photos of my son.

It is hard to accept that I will never have new photos of him.

DESPAIR

When you lose a child, every breath, every waking moment, every thought is about the sorrow, loss, regret, and excruciating pain surrounding the tragedy.

Professionally, I was a health and fitness expert. With the exception of drinking too much when stressed, I had been extremely healthy, at least physically, for decades. Mentally is another story, but I digress. Exercise, nutrition, spending time outdoors, dancing, listening to music and extensive socializing were my jam. Until that day in May. Then it abruptly stopped. I did not recognize my life without my son here on earth, and my debilitating grief, anxiety, and depression kept me from my life. I did not want to leave my house. I did not want to accept invitations. The only thing I wanted was to crawl in a hole. And die.

So I numbed myself by drinking IPA, eating junk food and binge watching television. It did not matter that I could not recognize myself any longer, as I did not want to look in the mirror anyway. Nothing mattered, except the next beer. I was starting to connect with other grieving mothers, and it was helping on a certain level, but I remained in total despair.

Me with Candace, my amazing daughter, who was my lifeline after Judson died.

GRATITUDE

I would not have been able to make it through this tragedy without my daughter Candace. She was there for me as I tried to navigate my radically altered set of life circumstances.

I had a complete psychotic break—unable to make the simplest decision. Candace was my life-line. Even though she was deeply grieving her only brother, her only sibling, she was there for me.

And for her love and support, I am forever grateful.

HELP

Six months into my grieving was my first holiday season without my son. It was horrendous. One of my oldest and dearest friends, Joni, checked on me constantly. She was one of the few. You see, in our culture, there is a lack of “loss intelligence.” People in American culture, for the most part, do not know how to handle grief, especially around child loss. We live in a society that is not comfortable talking about it. And so I learned quickly through grieving mom groups—and they all said the same thing—friends, even the closest of them, scatter into the wind after the funeral. They simply can’t hear about your loss. They can’t say your child’s name. They can’t fathom what you are going through and they do not even want to try. It is too painful—for them.

Joni with her

horse, Kira

Let me just tell you how painful it is on the other side...well, I can’t really. Because again, no words.

So Joni called me during the holidays of 2021 and I shared with her about my despair. I told her I was not sure I wanted to be here any longer, though I knew I could not do that to my daughter. The grief

was amplified by the holidays -everyone else is celebrating and having such a great time - and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and never wake up again.

Joni listened. And in the way that only a true and honest friend could express, she said, “Jami, your future life needs you.” And that was it. I realized that I had better learn to grieve better, to be here for my daughter, son-in-law, and two grandchildren. I knew that my grieving was worse because of my dependence on alcohol as a coping strategy. I knew it was an unhealthy coping strategy, but I hurt so badly inside due to the acute grief I could barely function, let alone make a good decision at that point. Since I did not want to leave the house, I searched for a podcast that may help.

“Jami, your future life needs you."

— Joni, Lifelong Friend

ACTION

During the first part of January 2022 I found a plethora of podcasts about sobriety and tried them all. And then I found The Sober Yoga Girl, and Alex McRobert, creator of the podcast and founder of The Mindful Life Practice. Her podcast resonated. I found her delivery to be calm, nurturing, caring, helpful, soulful, and authentic. It was not full of commercials or loud and distracting music. It was honest with no empty promises and blaring or exaggerated solutions. Quite the contrary - this podcast was offering a safe place for guests to share their darkest moments while under the

nfluence of alcohol, their deepest regrets and stories, and conversely their beautiful messages of hope, joy and beauty in the land of recovery.

I listened, probably with a beer in my hand, but listen I did. I binge-listened for hours, then days, then weeks. A month later, I perused her website and noticed that she was starting a 30-day Sober Curious

Yoga Class. I signed up for the class to begin in March 2022. I had no idea what to expect, and just hoped that I would actually follow through when the time came.

CURIOUS

I have learned, especially in the tragic world events of the last few years, that words are important.

Words matter.

Words like, “Sober Curious.” There are no labels. No judgments. No calling myself a word or labeling myself with a word that will amplify how bad I already feel about myself. No need to add stigma and shame. That is already felt deep within, so no, thank you very much. I figured I could commit to a sober curious yoga challenge for thirty days. It sounded lovely. And it was via Zoom, so I could just turn off my camera if I had any adverse feelings. I could do this. I would make every effort to join the March group. But in the meantime, the drinking continued, and the grief got worse. There were several days that I did not leave my bed for the entire day. Just crying. And reminiscing. And ruminating. And wishing I weren’t alive. I did not want to deal with this. The wails of a mother who has lost her child are indescribable, especially when they are coming from inside yourself.

“The wails of a mother who has lost her child are indescribable, especially when they are coming from inside yourself.

This is what it looks like to lose a child

ALEX

The day had arrived for the 30 day challenge to begin. I opened the Zoom link and was admitted into the room. From the first moment, I found it really comforting to meet Alex. Her assistant, Yasir, was equally gracious and welcoming. They both seemed genuinely glad to meet me and the others in class. It was an intimate, safe space where we introduced ourselves, shared a little about ourselves, and then we were invited to talk about our relationship with alcohol. Or not.

I listened carefully and with great reverie to the personal stories of those in class. They were heartwarming and profound, however, all I wanted to talk about was losing my son. Yes, I’m currently in a bad phase with alcohol, and I am here to get help with that, but I was there because I lost my son. So that made me DRINK.

And drink.

And drink.

And drink.

The Mindful Life Practice offers a safe, non-judgmental space for the sober curious.

But, something amazing happened. They didn’t seem to mind. They listened anyway. They welcomed me anyway. They cried with me. They meditated – I turned off my camera; I was not ready to meditate. But I was in community with other hurting souls. And I shared that thought with them—I know a lot of people are grieving because of circumstances in their lives caused by alcohol –and we all just seemed to...understand one another.

Okay, one class down. Maybe I can actually complete this challenge.

Alex McRobert, Founder of theMindful Life Practice

DISRUPTOR

One night during the challenge, several people could not make it, so Alex and I had time to talk—just the two of us. I told her how I was extremely nervous about Judson’s upcoming one-year Angelversary. I had just found out that my daughter was going to be out of town, and I needed to do something that would help disrupt my angst. She put her hands to her heart, and gave me a look that showed me she was saying: I hear you. I want to help. I don’t know what to say. Let me just tell you how painful it is on the other side...well, I can’t really. Because again, no words.

By this time, I had grown to adore this young woman, and I trusted her with my fragility and my pain. Seeing this look in her eyes, and feeling her genuine concern for me and holding space for my pain, I blurted out:

“I wish you were having a yoga retreat in Bali on May 29th!” She responded,

“Jami!!! I am!”

I knew in my heart this was meant to be. Meant for me. This is exactly what this grieving mama needed.

The Island of Bali, Indonesia

BALI

I knew an expensive trip that I could not afford was not going to bring my son back, but I also knew that I was dying inside and I needed help. I can’t explain it but-I felt joining Alex on her retreat was going to help. For the first time in years, I was looking forward to something. (I say years, because my son had been struggling with depression and other difficulties for four years before he died. It was debilitating for me as his mom to watch him suffer. Sad beyond imagination.)

So I really needed this experience. Yoga. Mindfulness. NO alcohol. Alex holding space as we sober- curious sisters embarked on a Sober Yoga Retreat in Bali? It was a no-brainer – I simply had to go.

Kadek is not only a great driver, he is a fantastic purse holder on excursions!

Ubud

After flying for two days with one layover, I finally landed on the magical island of Bali. Exhausted and a little worse for wear, it was a joy to meet Kadek, Alex’s great friend and driver. I was not expecting the crazy driving and plethora of scooter bikes—but Kadek, as well as the Balinese drivers, seem to have some unspoken language as they dart in and out, pass and allow people to merge in this incredible synchronistic flow of courtesy, respect, and rhythm. I had to shut my eyes a few times, but Kadek delivered me safely to Basundari, our retreat destination located in Ubud. Ubud is often referred to as the spiritual and cultural heart of Bali, and has long been known as a mystical land rich in healing powers. After the release of Liz Gilbert’s New York Times bestseller ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ and subsequent movie, Ubud became a full-blown wellness mecca.

Kadek dropped me safely at the retreat destination, Basundari. It was dark when we arrived, so I was really looking forward to checking everything out in the morning.

Basundari, pool side

GATHERING

I was truly amazed at the beauty surrounding me in the morning. Surrounded by rice terraces, Barundari boasts beautiful grounds, amazing rooms, and two pools. It is located on a small decline, so the steps walk down toward a creek, along the way are rooms and finally, the yoga Shala. It is gorgeous, surrounded by insect nets and an incredible jungle view.

Alex reached out to check on me. Even though our retreat did not start until the afternoon, she said, “I’m coming over to meet you in person Jami!” A little later, Alex drove up on her scooter. We hugged and I felt like I knew her already from our Zoom circles and now I had the honor of meeting her in person. Her presence was warm, welcoming and sincere. I was SO relaxed and...content. I felt safe. Something I had not felt for years.

Alex and me at Basundari, May 2022.

The rest of the gang arrived later. It was a pleasure to meet Kayla, Diana and Irma. They are all young enough to be my daughters. I was the old lady of the group. Kayla was pregnant with her son. I felt this was interesting – she would soon be happily bringing her son into the world, I was struggling to let my son leave this world.

Ritual

Later in the afternoon, we met for our first sacred circle, yoga practice, and meal together. It was profound. The food, the conversation, the connection, the company, the bonding – I had not known what to expect, but the experience far exceeded anything I could have imagined. It was an awesome first day.

The meals at Basundari were delicious and nutritious.

Dawn

Judson’s one-year Angelversary had arrived, May 29, 2022. This date had loomed for so long. Full of anxiety, I woke very early. I sat in my room in the meditation chair and watched the lightning dance across the night sky. Something came over me –I can’t describe it – but the morning somehow seemed, glorious. So at dawn, barefoot with journal in-hand, I quietly made my way down the steps, meandered down the little trail, through the vines and followed it around a little further to a secluded spot I had spied the day before. It was a serene meditation site where a hanging rattan egg chair suspended a little precariously over a steep hillside above the thick jungle foliage. I walked up a few more steps and then onto the narrow plank that lead to this magical spot.

Lightning fills the night sky before sunrise

With a creek trickling below, I was surrounded by a thick canopy of trees of every size and shape: Banyan, Coconut, Banana, and Palm. Thick vines interlaced all around from the tree tops, intertwining in a network of beauty, all the way to the ground. Giant ferns and umbrella plants filled in at varying heights below the trees. And the jungle floor, covered in vines of varying thicknesses and interlacing with tropical flowering plants, creating a tapestry of varying textures, colors and providing protection for the critters below. It is a stunning sight and experience. The place was teaming with life, beauty and vibrancy. I could feel the life around me.

Sunrise at Basundari

The crickets were sounding LOUDLY, and the birds were beginning to sing, punctuated by a lone rooster crowing in the distance. (Not to mention numerous sounds from creatures I didn’t recognize!) It was like a rain forest/jungle/nature concert producing absolutely beautiful music in this breathtaking setting. And as the light began to dance across the ever changing morning sky, the lightning that had been present just a few moments before, had moved along (to another distant land?).

I sat quietly, closed my eyes, and prayed. I spoke to Judson. I cried. I tried to meditate. Nope. Still wasn’t ready. I had not been able to deeply meditate for a year. So I gave myself permission to just...take it in. Just breathe. Take in the sights, the sounds, and the vibe amidst the stunning backdrop of this magical place. So there I sat. And sat. And just took it all in. Until it was time for yoga.

DAWN me in rattan chair.

SACRED

Alex started by surprising me. She told Kadek, Alex’s amazing friend and driver, about my Judson, and Kadek’s mom created special offering baskets-specifically for Judson’s 1st Angelversary. She had made one for each one of us in the group. It was so moving. So unexpected. I was in a complete state of awe. Alex started our circle with a special tribute to my son. We each lit an incense that burned during our time together. It was beautiful. I was blown away for two reasons: Alex, Kadek and his mom took the time to prepare and make this day special; and Irma, Kayla and Diana honored Judson, and me, by allowing us to add this ceremony to our morning.

And there was more.

Diana, Kayla, Alex and Irma, my retreat sisters, honored Judson, and me on his one-year Angelversary

Alex had rearranged our itinerary, moving our day at the sacred water temple, Tirta Empul, so that we could honor Judson’s Angelversary and partake in a sacred Balinese ritual of cleansing and renewal. And my yoga sisters were on-board!

This was a watershed moment for me. It was at that moment that I realized: this was not going to be any ordinary yoga retreat. This was special. And it was because of Alex—I realized saw how truly angelic she is.

“...this was not going to be any ordinary yoga retreat...

Tirta Empul Temple, Bali, Indonesia

ANGEL

After yoga, I couldn’t close my eyes during meditation, not only because it was impossible for me to meditate at this point in my grief journey, but also because I hungered to take in the sights. I wanted to soak them into my soul – so they could reside in my bones and heart for eternity.

When Alex sings in her lovely voice at the end of class, it is calming, restorative, and beautiful. Photo: The Mindful Life Practice.

At the end of each yoga practice, Alex sings in her beautiful angelic voice, adding an incredible deep and personal nuance to the experience. The birds heard her and seemed to be enjoying it as well,

ANGEL Basundari Yoga Shala

interrupting with their loud calls as if communicating to all the other birds to come closer and listen. Their arrival was noisy as their wings flapped loudly all around us above the yoga Shala, and they squawked and communicated as they arrived and joined us from the trees above. Then they quieted down, and listened to Alex’s sweet voice. It felt as though they were joining us in svanasana.

I could go on and on about our trip and fill a book, and I will definitely add more details to my story in the future. But right now, my intention with this story is to convey to you about this angelic young woman, Alex, and how she helped change the trajectory of my grief journey. I want to be clear - I still struggle. A lot. It is excruciatingly painful to lose a child. I still cry, scream, and want to hit something! I want my son back! But because Alex’s angelic ways go far beyond just hosting an alcohol-free yoga retreat, she helped me change my path. I was on a dark path, and because of the empathy and grace she showed me, my path was sprinkled with little shimmers of light, enough for me to see which way to go.

“Jami, I read your blog last night. EVERY WORD. — Alex McRobert

Not only did Alex honor my son’s day, adjust the itinerary and keep checking in with me, but she also read my March 2022 blog about Judson, where I shared what an incredible human he was and described my horrific and traumatic experience as a mother who lost her son to suicide.

I will never forget that morning at breakfast, when things quieted down, Alex leaned in and said, “I read your blog last night, Jami. Every word. I am SO sorry.” She was saying: I see you. I hear you. And I am so sorry.

Me with Alex in the Basundari Yoga Shala

UNEXPECTED

As if she had not done enough, towards the end of our retreat, Alex arranged yet another previously unplanned stop on the way home from a destination. Kadek pulled over at Lebih Beach, a sacred site where the Balinese people spread the remains of their loved ones during, Ngaben, the cremation season. Again, a special stop so that I could spread some of Judson’s ashes at this sacred site. Alex is a kindred spirit, caring for the souls in her group. Her angelic ways while serving others, to me, she exudes a true example of living yoga on, and off, the mat.

Releasing some of Judson’s ashes at Lebih Beach

Alex had rearranged our itinerary, moving our day at the sacred water temple, Tirta Empul, so that we could honor Judson’s Angelversary and partake in a sacred Balinese ritual of cleansing and renewal. And my yoga sisters were on-board!

This was a watershed moment for me. It was at that moment that I realized: this was not going to be any ordinary yoga retreat. This was special. And it was because of Alex—I realized saw how truly angelic she is.

LOVE

During this amazing retreat, I was able to spread Judson’s ashes in numerous places. During a visit to Tenungan Waterfall, I walked downstream to where there were hundreds of rock balance pillars. Alex took my photo, and I was able to smile. And as I watched his ashes leave me, I cried. And cried, and cried. Alex walked over and gave me a huge hug.

Pain and loss are the same in all languages

A Balinese woman watched from above on the steps. When I reached the landing where she stood, she started talking to me in Balinese. She held her hands to her heart. Her face was sad for me. She felt my pain.

Even though we did not speak one another’s languages, she grabbed me and hugged me and cried with me. Another mother – seeing my pain, reaching out to me. It was one of my most profound memories of this magical trip. Love knows no boundaries. And grief is painful in all languages.

VIBRANT

Bali is a vibrant destination, and Alex made sure we saw as much as we could during our time there. Our excursions were many – we hiked a volcano, visited several stunning ancient temples, incredible waterfalls, walked on the beach, visited lush rice terraces, and ate the most delicious, healthy and fresh foods ever. Kadek drove us safely all around the island, sometimes blasting Taylor Swift while Alex and Kadek sang the lyrics loud and strong for all to hear. It was SO much fun. And I needed that. I truly needed that experience to help pull me up from the hell I had been living for the last year.

Alex and Kadek singing Taylor Swift’s, “All Too Well.”

GATHERING

Judson brought me to Alex. If I get really honest and provocative with my grief journey, I will admit that I did not want to deal with the pain of losing my son. I needed to get down and dirty, to completely explore and excavate my deepest fears, regrets, and feelings. Full disclosure and emotional expression with a positive social support system is helping me to deal with the immense pain and distress. I am so blessed that I was held so closely by Alex, Diana, Irma and Kayla during my darkest hour. Their love and acceptance gave me hope.

PROVOCATIVE GRIEF

A podcast, a jungle, and an Angel named Alex, changed the trajectory of my grief journey. I know that, unfortunately, not every mom who loses a child can go to Bali, but I wish they could.

I know I am very blessed that I was able to partake in this provocative, messy, ugly, and beautiful journey. And my experience is still excruciatingly painful, and sometimes a little easier, because someone like Alex chose to hear me.

Alex is an angelic human who lives her yoga, on, and off, the mat. And I am forever changed for knowing her.